Jack Bauer Interrogates Santa Claus

Hat tip: librarymistress

Cover Up the Naked Truth

From a student essay:

"In the novel The Return of Martin Guerre, Bertrande de Rols marries Martin Guerre. During the initial years of their marriage, the couple's union has been 'bewitched,' and therefore, they are unable to bare children."

Why Won't Jesus Give Us a Sign?

From a student paper:

". . . Europeans made careful revisions of their culture. One example was the de-Judeaizing of the Christianity and bible. Jesus was portrayed not as semiotic, but as Aryan."

Postcards From the Edge: Hampshire Secrets Revealed

Hampedia recently added an entry for the "Postcard Project," an outcome of an experiential education course intended to create an art installation in which community members communicate their feelings about the college on anonymous postcards:

Decorate the reverse side of this postcard and share a secret, revelation, or statement about your experience of and feelings about HAMPSHIRE COLLEGE. It's anonymous, so anything goes!

There's some interesting and just plain strange stuff there. And to my even greater surprise, I showed up in one of the cards. Go figure. Never a dull moment here.

The Process (words, just words?)

Snapshots from a faculty discussion:

First faculty member: I'd just like to harp on that [sic] for a bit.
. . . .
Moderator (a short time later): I'd like to call your attention to the time. It's getting late, and we ask that you keep your comments brief, so that everyone has a chance to speak and we can get through our business.

Second faculty member: Okay, I have three questions.

Water Rights

One student to another, during class:

What are you, a llama? You just sprayed water on me!

"Old Europe"?

from a student paper:

"Anti-Judaism, which reached its height in Middle-Aged European countries, was firmly based in religious belief."

Eye-Sore

"We're still tied up in the word and the number and that old hierarchy. The image was there before the word, and we are really going fuddy-duddy."

—faculty member, in discussion of curriculum and standards, criticizing the emphasis on improving student writing, analytical reasoning, and quantitative skills

The Write Stuff

"I'm curious as to why we think all students need to write well."

—faculty member in discussion about requirements and standards

Time Out

Best campus announcement of the day

"Looking for a desk clock =)
Do you have a desk clock that you don't need any more? I'm looking for a non-electronic desk clock to remind me of the reality."

Death Threat

Student walking, and talking on cellphone:

"Mom! I'm not gonna die from swine flu!"

Words, Just Words

Colleague at meeting, declining to end some already overly lengthy extemporaneous remarks:

"I'm trying not to ramble, so let me just keep talking for a minute."

Stephen Fry: "funniest ever" mating ritual

BBC NEWS | Science & Environment | Fry finds 'funniest ever' mating ritual

When Stephen Fry goes in search of the rare kakapo - "the old night parrot of New Zealand" - he finds himself privy to an unusual mating ritual which is "one of the funniest things he has ever seen".

well, except, perhaps for that of our students—but this is hard to top.

Slogans Seen on Campus Cars

What people are thinking (or want you to think)—a selection from vehicles in a Hampshire College parking lot:

Virginia Shag: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of the Flying Nun

Student in class discussion about the teaching of history:

"The only thing most people know about Thomas Jefferson nowadays is that he wrote the Declaration of Independence and had an affair with Sally Fields [sic]."

This is evidently how we are punished: it will now be difficult to get this rather disturbing image out of my head.

Dirty history? Academic Fields Arranged by Purity

History is not even on the chart.

from xkcd: A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language

White House Beer Gathering: Our Great National "Teachable Moment" Squandered

Beer summit: If this was a "teachable moment," then why did Obama drink Bud Light (two self-evident mistakes there), and Biden, a non-alcoholic Buckler? Gates and Crowley showed far better taste in the choice of, respectively, our fine local Sam Adams (though again a light) and Blue Moon. An educational opportunity squandered.

Several brewing companies sought to use the opportunity to promote their products, in the process developing various ingenious historical-political rationales to support the choice of their brand:

Yuengling of Pennsylvania said,

”Family owned and operated since 1829, we've been a part of conflict resolution for over 180 years!"

Sierra Nevada argued:

“We believe that we are the perfect fit for the matter at hand, and a great choice to represent and facilitate the resilience and understanding of the American people. Sierra Nevada [can] reinforce the idea that whether black or white, rich or poor, we are all first and foremost Americans. American citizens should support American beer.

“Think global, drink local."

Of course, the religious fanatics did not hesitate to condemn the summit as fostering the corruption of youth, that argument didn’t seem to get any traction with the mass of the population, which was mostly curious about which bottles would end up on the table (and, oh yes, secondarily, in the substance of the conversation that they would accompany).

Two light beers and one non-alcoholic one? A great teachable moment squandered.

We are a long way from the advanced culture of the Czech Republic, as Radio Praha affirms:

Ex-President Vaclav Havel may be the best spokesman beer has ever had in the Czech Republic, at least in public office. Havel loves to take visiting politicians to pubs. He once skipped a function in the U.S. to go drink beer and watch John Cale. In fact, one of Havel's plays is based on the time he spent working in a brewery before the Revolution.

"I suppose that drinking beer in pubs has got a good influence on the behaviour of Czech society, because beer contains less alcohol than for example wine, vodka or whisky and therefore people's polical chat in pubs is less crazy."

This was actually very similar to the attitude of German and other Central European immigrants to Wisconsin in the 19th century. They were in the habit of taking the whole family, children included, to events at which beer was served. This scandalized the prudes. To the Germans, Czechs, and other new arrivals, however, beer, consumed in moderation, was simply part and parcel of an ordinary meal and daily conviviality. What horrified them, by contrast, was the apparent American belief that a normal relationship with alcohol consisted of one man and one bottle of whiskey in a saloon.

To return to the White House:

It was a particular disgrace that Budweiser was featured (the "light" in Bud light is self-evidently execrable). In the first place, it's awful beer. The color alone—or lack thereof—sends shivers down the spine. In the second place, Budweiser uses corn and rice, and so, its products would not even qualify as beer by traditional Central European standards (the famous German beer purity law allows only hops, malt, and water. The English long rejected hops as some sort of bizarre continental toxic additive, but that's another episode in that nation's vexed relationship with culinary arts and gustatory pleasures). Third, and finally: to add insult to injury, Budweiser used the full power of its monetary and legal resources to assert its claim to use the name of the famous South Bohemian beer town (German: Budweis; Czech: České Budějovice) in marketing its insipid liquid, while the original breweries of that noble city are forced to sell under the names of Budvar and Czechvar here in the States. (The Wikipedia entry for the city cleverly and delicately states that "The American lager was originally brewed as an imitation of the famous Czech original but over time has developed its own identity and attained remarkable commercial success"—the emphasis should be on "remarkable," of course. But I digress.)

Still, the Democrats have learned something since the notorious day when Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis invited two down-to-earth labor leaders to his house, asked, “Can I get you guys a beer?”, and returned with a bottle and two glasses. He got creamed in the presidential election.

To recap: Four bottles—two lights and one non-alcoholic—for four guys? Not yet up to Czech standards, but we're learning.

As for me, I've been enjoying a good old-fashioned American Leinenkugel's ("The Pride of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin Since 1867").

Here, a proper Czech meal with beverages:

Those interested in pursuing the history of the American relationship to beer would do well to consult the recent book by our colleague Amy Mittleman.

Practical Things You Can Learn from Studying Science--lessons from history

One of my favorite science anecdotes (and I get to work in: genetics, fish, history, and the devil).

Glad I am not the teacher reading that paper

Stereotypes notwithstanding, this one is actually from UMass rather than Hampshire.

Student recounting story:

So I knock on his door and say, "Man, where the hell were you?! We had a job scheduled, and you didn't show up!"

He says, "I had a paper to write."

So, I said: "Is that why your room smells of frigging weed??!!

Multiple Universe Disorder (continued)

Just discovered the fly in the ointment of my exceedingly cunning multiverse work reduction plan: students whose files were marked incomplete are now protesting, claiming that they already turned in the papers--in the parallel universe.

Smartasses.

Damn. I knew I should not have twittered about this.

Multiple Universe Disorder (continued)

now able to eat lunch and listen to music because one of my alternate selves is marking student papers, & the other is sorting the recycling

Multiple Universe Disorder (continued)

now starting to get into the idea of the "multiverse," sensing the endless possibilities

Multiple Universe Disorder

Suddenly disturbed at the thought of the existence, yea, necessity of multiple universes. Does this mean that I have to clean out an infinite number of litterboxes, vacuum an infinite number of rugs?

Pride goeth . . . ? (well, it's certainly out and about)

The role of the professor:

"I had to create this persona where I walk around as a real force on campus"

Coulda been a lot worse?

"Without their help this project would be much, much worse"

--from the acknowledgments in one of our students' senior theses

It was in fact quite good (to start with, as well), and this modest portrayal of self and expression of gratitude toward teachers is actually one of the nicest compliments.

Billionaires and Students: How to Succeed in Life

During an appearance before the Commonwealth Club in San Francisco, oil man T. Boone Pickens recounted how he floundered in college at Oklahoma State, and what his father told him to set him straight:

"'Son,' he said . . . 'your mother and I don't think you're on the same plan we are for graduation,' and I had to agree . . . . He said, 'Let me just give you a little advice.' He said, 'Son,' he said, 'A fool with a plan can beat a genius with no plan, and what we're afraid of, is, your mother and I are afraid of, that we have a son that's a fool with no plan.'"

Amherst: Your Tax Dollars at Work

So, here's what happened.

We get our local census form in March, as always, just before the spring election, so that we can ensure we are on the voter rolls. Recording household pets is optional. On the back, there is also a form on which one can fill out an application for a dog license, which must be renewed each spring. One can send a stamped, self-addressed envelope and have the license mailed, or one can pick up the license in person.

Last year, I dropped off the form and paid the license fee right away at Town Hall, but was told that the license--which is required by April 1 and whose purchase is enforced after May 31--was not ready yet. I came back for it a few weeks later.

So, this year, when the form arrived, I sent in the fee and figured that I would save myself the postage and save the clerks the trouble of doing a mailing by instead stopping by Town Hall (where I often have to go on business anyway) to get the license later when it was finally ready.

Evidently, the Town bureaucrats had a better idea. Writing me via first-class mail--which cost the Town and the taxpayers 42 cents--they informed me that I had neglected to provide them with a self-addressed envelope bearing stamps worth 84 cents.


We are in the midst of a budget crisis. You do the math and contemplate the logic. Any questions?

Easter Greetings

My friend Kathy always sends out fine Easter greetings, including this classic, which has won plaudits from my acquaintances even in the northeasternmost reaches of the former East Germany.

She posted this and more on the Easter entry of her new blog, which otherwise focuses on quirks of language.

I Think I'll Open a Feudal Restaurant

Student confusion regarding concepts and spelling is common and should generally be treated with a certain amount of charity, but some errors are just classics, the more so when they come in pairs:

"these terms of identity were the synthesis of modernity--pre-dating notions of identity as a surf, as a burger, as a communal member"

I'm thinking of opening a theme restaurant on the feudal era (or, as students sometimes call it: "the futile era"). "Surf and burger" would be perfect for the luncheon and pub menu: I imagine something like a lobster roll and quarter-pounder combo. (I'm not sure I want to think about the "communal member.")

MATZA BALL RAP

Holiday silliness. Passover greetings.

Good News About Hampshire College: We're neither filthy nor suicidal

From the consultants' presentation on our facilities situation and needs:

According to the standards of the Association of Physical Plant Administrators(APPA), our campus is not beautiful and spotless, like that of wealthier neighbors, such as Amherst, and yet it is not dirty and dilapidated, either. Rather, in the professional parlance, the condition of our facilities is characterized by:

"moderate dinginess."

Summary of our situation, with high demands and limited capital:

"You all haven't lost hope. Oh, that didn't come out quite right."

Kafka Airport World's Most Alienating

As we wait for deposits to come in from candidates for our study trip to Prague and Kraków this spring and hope that it is a "go," we need to start thinking about travel arrangements. Fortunately, I can assure the students that the actual airport in Prague is rather more user-friendly than the one depicted here:

Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

Can't vouch for that Dostoevsky Hotel, though.

Handy Evaluative Language

First in an occasional series of handy phrases to employ in student evaluations. Some are blunt, some are subtle. Some can serve a further educational purpose by requiring the reader to demonstrate a proper knowledge of grammar and sentence structure.

She wanted to pass the course badly--and she succeeded.

What, Me Study?!

Jaded woman at Amherst College to equally motivated fellow students:

"I can't take school seriously."

Upon seeing me approach:

"I guess I shouldn't be saying that."

Suppressing the urge to draw upon my arsenal of blonde jokes, I merely replied:

"Hey, that's okay, I don't work here."

Not exactly the kind of thing they want US News and World Report to hear.

Department of Irony: all-expense-paid trip to learn why you are unjustly privileged!

From the Hampshire College internal announcement service:

Posted on Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 by Pesha Rose Wasserstrom

White Privilege Conference

The 10th annual White Privilege Conference is being held this year in Memphis, TN, the weekend of April 3-5.

The school has allotted funding for 10-15 people, for registration, transportation, and hotel! Registration ends this wednesday, . . .

You can register at http://www.uccs.edu/~wpc/regdown.htm, but please let me know if you want the school funding!

. . .The funding is available to anyone who would like to attend this great conference!

[Note: the link in the original text is not active, but one can read all about the White Privilege Conference here.]

So, let's see. Funding for anyone: no qualifications, no demonstration of need. That sounds like a nice privilege. And at the Hilton, no less. Looks pretty nice.

Nice indeed. Putting together the information on the conference and hotel web sites, we find:

• New in 2008 Flat-Screen Televisions, 36-inch in our Standard rooms and 42-inch in our Executive Level rooms
• Wireless high-speed Internet access available in all 405 rooms ...
• Serenity Bed Collection® featuring the Hilton Suite Dreams Mattress & Box Springs by Serta®
• Bath amenities featuring the La Source line from Crabtree & Evelyn®
• Hilton's signature MP3-capable alarm clock radio
• Two dual-line phones with data ports and voicemail
• Coffee maker with complimentary coffee & tea
• Iron & ironing board
• Hairdryer
• Wake-up service
• Individual digital climate control
• Electronic door locks
• Complimentary newspaper delivered each
weekday morning
• Express video check-out
• Remote control television
• In-room movies and video games

So this is what privilege is all about!

Naturally, this suggests all kinds of possibilities. I'm already imagining a nice consciousness-raising conference on the evils of conspicuous consumption. And one on the social and environmental selfishness of the gourmet cook. Maybe the vintage wine connoisseur, too.

By the way, a minor note of warning: That "complimentary newspaper delivered each weekday morning" is actually the classic scam, as the Hilton's own website reveals but does not quite tell you. Hotels "give" you USA Today, but (1) they don't tell you that it goes on your bill--you need explicitly to indicate that you do not want this "service." (2) It's a gimmick that allows McPaper to claim ridiculously inflated "circulation" figures.

Just one of those fun facts to know and tell from the world of book history and publishing.

Now this is actually a very good example of how one kind of privilege proliferates, as two large corporations team up to boost their profits and con the consumer, who is either too prosperous, too embarrassed, or just too ignorant to worry about that extra $ .75 per day on the bill.

See how that works?

Drill Team for Retired Guys

The approach of spring already brings thoughts of summer, which in turns summons up memories of my parents' generation in the old neighborhood:

Pay for Pee? (You Pay for Everything One Way or Another)

News last month that budget airline Ryanair was contemplating charging passengers for use of toilets both sparked cries of outrage and stimulated the creative juices of satirists.

Mind you, the CEO was merely contemplating the change, but for anyone who has actually flown on that carrier, the prospect seemed all too likely. Given the airline's stringent limits on weight of baggage and personal items, I felt, as I was packing my luggage some years ago, that I had been thrust back into my more youthful days as a backpacker when, as the late Colin Fletcher explained in his now-classic Complete Walker, fanatics felt moved to snip the labels off their tea bags in an obsessive quest to reduce carrying weight.

The really sad thing is that this is all part of the cynical shell game that we play in modern capitalist society, the more so, as economic crisis looms: We constantly disguise the real costs of things, and who notices? We have an unjust and in some ways inefficient health care system, but we don't realize that part of the expense arises from our unwillingness to tackle real across-the-board reform. The University of Massachusetts notoriously promises (or is required) to limit tuition increases, which it then makes up for by charging increased "fees" for everything else imaginable. The tuna can, which some years ago dropped from 6 and a half to 6 and one-eighth ounces, recently plummeted to 5 (do people ever read weights on packages, or are they just focusing on the "sale" price?). And of course, the biggest shell game in the country is the conservative obsession with "taxes." There is a legitimate debate to be had about size of government and extent of taxation, but it won't be an honest one until we confront the fact that we pay for the things we need one way or another, through the front door or the back, progressively or regressively. Our taxes are kept low, but we pay increased health care costs out of our private funds. Our roads and other infrastructure fall apart--but we pay for the flat tire or busted axle, or we finance highways and public transportation in part through regressive and often regionally and socially unfair taxes and charges. Just look at what is happening in Massachusetts, as residents are being asked to pay an increased gas tax that will primarily fund the eastern turnpike, the whopping debt for Boston's corrupt and mismanaged "Big Dig," and the Boston Metropolitan Transit Authority. Western Mass. residents--who have been getting the shaft since the days of Shays's Rebellion-- are understandably outraged. Charging more for tolls and transit tickets to the Boston-area residents who actually use the structures and services in question would be the most logical and fair solution, but no one wants to face up to market value and fight that fight, so we hide the cost by spreading it around in inequitable ways. To raise the income tax would be equitable and might result in a more equitable distribution of goods, but there's an ideological bias against that. Because most people, educated or otherwise, can't handle quantitative reasoning--we all lose.

And what of the future of and on Ryanair? As always, satire, like science fiction, has the best answer. A friend forwarded this prediction:

Which is ultimately scarier: the prospect that we might one day need to pay to pee--gives new meaning to that economic phrase, "pay as you go"--or that, because most of us can't count, we don't even know what we're really paying for?

It's not just a radical point. Capitalist gurus, too, get it. Why can't the rest of us?

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Best little-known film quotes

Some favorite little-known lines from Sergei Eisenstein's film, "Alexander Nevsky" (1938):

Mongol leader, trying to recruit Nevsky: "Join the horde!"

Nevsky to his comrades: "Lay out my princely garb."

Inane Journalistic Observation of the Day: March 13

From an NPR report on the use of the military to combat gang crime in Juarez, Mexico: The speaker on the audio introduction intones with great solemnity and self-righteous sarcasm:

"some say the military has been fighting violence with violence"

Gee, d'ya think?!

The reflexive and obligatory condemnation of all violence is of course just plain silly, but that's not what is saddest.

It is a shame. The point, of course, was that the government was not just using force, but using torture, and thus violating principles of justice in its supposed quest for justice. But if the professionals who get paid to write this stuff can't be bothered to choose the words of their stories with an ounce of care, how do they expect us to care about the content--or even get the message? We, like the victims, deserve to be treated better than that.

Overheard on campus: the harder they come

• Longitudinal studies of student life and satisfaction:

complaint:  "orientation for new students isn't focused on academic work [2000, 2001]"

• Foreign student describing orientation experience, fall 2008:

I was very surprised that they talked about condoms all the time, all week.

That's One Way to Get to Grad School

22-Year-Old Sells Virginity Online -- and Feds Can't Do a Thing to Stop Her
Thursday, January 15, 2009
By Joseph Abrams
Fox News

Excerpts:

A 22-year-old woman is selling her virginity online — offering her body to bidders nationwide in an auction that reportedly has netted a $3.7 million offer — and the law isn't doing a thing to stop her.

The FBI isn't interested. The U.S. attorney doesn't care. Everything is fine by local police, and she isn't breaking any laws.

That's because Natalie Dylan, a made-up name for a real 22-year-old California college grad, is marketing her maidenhead in Nevada, where prostitution is legal.

But some religious legal groups are objecting to the sexual sale, saying they are concerned that its influence may reach beyond the borders of the "Battle Born" bordello state.

and (my favorites):

The Moonlite Bunny Ranch, the brothel that is arranging and hosting the deal, sounded especially gung-ho about Dylan.

"Natalie is a virgin and would like to sell this priceless and rare commodity in a very exclusive and private setting," says the Bunny Ranch Web site.

While the commodity's rarity may be debatable, more than 10,000 bidders have come forth to put a price tag on Dylan's purity. And if the Bunny Ranch's owner is to be believed, someone has offered $3.7 million, a price far above rubies.

"One time only she will appear at the bunny ranch and give up her virginity to the highest bidder," says the brothel's Web site in a needlessly repetitive statement. Dylan says she is trying to finance graduate studies for her sister and herself.  (full story)

Hints to Natalie:

1) If you're a talented student, the graduate school should be paying YOU to attend--not vice versa. 

2) Nonetheless, the experience may prepare you well for what will follow, should your application be accepted.

Winter Stupidity: It Happens Every Year

I Triple-Dog Dare You: Indiana Boy Gets Tongue Stuck on Light Pole

HAMMOND, Ind. — In a scene straight out of the movie "A Christmas Story," a 10-year-old Hammond boy got his tongue stuck to a metal light pole.

Police say the unidentified fourth-grader was able to tell them that a friend dared him to lick the pole Wednesday night. Temperatures in Hammond were around 10 degrees at the time.

By the time an ambulance arrived, the boy was able to yank his tongue off the frozen pole.

Police say ambulance personnel explained to the boy's mother how to care for his bleeding tongue.

The 1983 movie is set in a fictional city based on Hammond, the hometown of author Jean Shepherd.

Obama Dithers on Dog Choice

While Congress and the President-elect spend their time discussing economic stimulus plans and other trivia, crucial matters, such as the choice of the White House dog,  go unaddressed:

“I’m frustrated with the Obamas, just get a dog already,” said Daisy Okas, a spokesperson for the American Kennel Club, who said she has heard from many angry dog owners in recent days over how the Obama’s have been handling what has become, to them at least, a politically charged issue.

This weekend, we learned that the choice had been narrowed to the Labradoodle and the Portuguese Water Dog, but

This seemed to conflict with the president-elect’s earlier statement that they hoped to rescue a dog from a shelter since, as many dog owners have pointed out in recent days, Labradoodles and especially Portuguese Water Dogs rarely are seen in shelters, especially puppies.
. . . . . . . . .
If nothing else, the ongoing presidential pooch pursuit has been a boon to animal rescue advocates, who said the Obamas’ desire to adopt from a shelter has been great for awareness - whether or not the Obamas actually wind up going the rescue route. “Our numbers sky-rocketed the week they announced that,” said Paula Fasseas, of Pets Are Worth Saving (“PAWS”), an animal welfare organization in Chicago.

Even so, Mr. Obama’s public remarks about the dog have been exasperating to some. “He just keeps making statements that are incompatible,” said Ms. Okas, of the American Kennel Club.

The Obama’s “seem to be exhibiting the classic behavior of first time dog owners,” added Ms. Line, who called the process “ a little bit confusing.”

(full article)

Welcome to Washington.  If he can come out of this one without offending everyone, maybe he really can solve our problems.

Amherst 250th: Say What You Mean

Thanks, Pb!

I'm sure that the people organizing Amherst's 250th Anniversary celebrations were just so excited to win a major gift that they forgot to proofread:

As a historian of the book--and someone who from time to time has to read linguistically and conceptually challenged student papers--I am of course fascinated by the difference between oral and written language. More attention to stylistic felicity might have avoided this embarrassment.

Anyway. . .

Please be more careful next time.

Maybe it's true

As seen in the world of social networking:

f u c4n r34d 7h1s u r34lly n33d 2 g37 4 l1f3

Man Dressed as Norse God Puts Fear of God in Burglar

From The Scotsman (2 Jan.), "Burglar scared off by man dressed as Thor":

A builder scared off a house-breaker by running at him dressed as the Norse god Thor.

The terrified intruder leapt from a first floor window to escape Torvald Alexander, who was dressed as the Norse god of thunder in a red cape and silver helmet and breastplate.

Mr Alexander had just returned from a New Year's Eve fancy dress party when he discovered the man in his home in Inverleith, Edinburgh.

He said he acted instinctively to chase the intruder away, and believed his costume may have added impact.

Mr Alexander, 39, said: "We were both startled but then the instant
reaction was that I ran at him and he just jumped straight out of the window.

"I think I would be quite scared if someone looking almost like a gladiator ran at them.

"He might have thought the property was empty.

"He probably would not have expected to meet a strong builder, especially dressed in tinfoil and silver."

 [. . . .]

(full article)

Bizarre Squid Sex

Used to be that National Geographic titillated white bourgeois males (and their pubescent offspring) with photos of bare-breasted "native" women (all in the interests of science, don't you know). Now that that is neither politically acceptable nor necessary (there's real porn all over the internet, and even tv has gotten pretty racy), what can you write about in order to pique readers' interest?

Animal sex, of course (sex among animals, that is):

The latest electronic newslettter of the venerable organization contains an article with the alluring title, "Bizarre Squid Sex Techniques Revealed":

New insights into the animals' intimate encounters include species that cut holes into their partners for sex, squid that swap genders, and males that deploy flesh-burrowing sperm.

(full article)

New England Prepares for a Storm

Snow and sleet today, danger of ice storm. How New Englanders cope:

(hat tip: kt)

Are You a Clerical Facsist?

At the end of last year, Shiraz Socialist, trying to add some levity to the grim situation of the world, offered a cultural-political questionnaire. Some highlights:

It’s that time of the year when you get bumper issues of magazines, the reviews of the past twelve months and, of course, the Christmas quiz.

So here, for Christmas, is our special quiz.

ARE YOU A CLERICAL FASCIST?

Answer the following 10 questions to check your clerical fascism credentials!

1. Before being published a book should be:-
a) Vetted by a board of clerics for blasphemy
b) Vetted by academics for offensiveness
c) Eh?

2. Putting a bomb in a rucksack and blowing up your fellow citizens:-
a) Sends you to Paradise
b) Sends a message to Tony Blair and George Bush
c) Sends a lot of people to hospital and the morgue, you morons!

3. Women should:-
a) Not go out in public unless escorted by a male relative
b) Not have their rights made into a shibboleth
c) Kick ass! Or crotch!! Or someone’s head in!!! For fuck’s sake
. . . . .

10. The Golden Age was:-
a) 8th century, Baghdad
b) 1917 USSR – there was something to hope for
c) 10 September 2001 – though there was plenty of crap around, it wasn’t this particular kind of crap

(take the full quiz)

As 2009 begins, the questions seem bound to remain relevant for a long time.

Surreal Amherst: Public Peeing Prohibited; Flinging Food Fine

From the Amherst Bulletin Police blotter--starting off the new year with the last of the old (26 December), and the first of the new (the Jan. 2 paper is out today):

As in Nottingham, public urination remains forbidden, but public gestures of friendship to strangers, strange mating rituals, and public flinging of food all "checked out OK" (as we say around here).

Taking the pee out of public:

SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY

SATURDAY, DEC. 6
* 12:06 a.m. - Police issued a warning to a man urinating in the area of St. Brigid's Church.

FRIDAY, DEC. 12
* 1:24 a.m. - Police issued a warning to a man urinating on North Pleasant Street near the downtown bars.

SUNDAY, DEC. 21
* 1:53 a.m. - A man urinating near an East Pleasant Street business was issued a warning and sent on his way.

[A little passive voice for elegant variation?]

Interesting that this always seems to happen in the wee, wee hours. Perhaps an enterprising entrepreneur could invent clothing equipped with a device similar to "Mail Goggles."  

Of course, one could imagine various unpleasant and unintended consequences, and one always needs to balance the needs of the public with the health and safety of the individual.  Already in the Renaissance, newfangled books of manners grappled with such dilemmas.

In 1530, the great humanist scholar Erasmus of Rotterdam declared, “To hold back urine is harmful to health”—but added, “to pass it in secret betokens modesty.” Numerous authorities were coming to agree on the impropriety of public urination, though they seemed to allow rather more leeway for public flatulence—on health grounds and because it could more easily be disguised ("let a cough hide the sound")—which occasioned lengthy and complex discussions.

As Norbert Elias pointed out in his classic Civilizing Process (from which the examples here are taken), although the sense of shame was growing in that transitional era, what is striking is (1) “how commonplace it is to meet someone ‘qui urinam reddit aut alvum exonerat’ (urinating or defecating)” and (2) “The unabashed care and seriousness with which questions are publicly discussed here that have subsequently become highly private and strictly prohibited in society.”

In any event, do our brave men and women in blue, in attempting to preserve public decorum by stopping the urinator, risk committing a grave etiquette faux-pas of their own?

Erasmus advised, “It is impolite to greet someone who is urinating or defecating,” advice echoed for generations in other sources, such as The Gallant Ethic of Johann Christian Barth (1731): “If you pass a person who is relieving himself you should act as if you had not seen him, and so it is impolite to greet him.”

Problems to ponder in 2009.

Other behaviors were stranger but are not described as having occasioned warnings:

SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY

MONDAY, DEC. 8

* 4:27 p.m. - A man who was described as waving frantically at a train on Bridge Street was located by police. The man was not in distress and told police he was just trying to be friendly to passengers on board.
[Just what sort--motion, speed--of waving constitutes frantic, and who reported him: residents or passengers?]

SATURDAY, DEC. 13

* 12:47 a.m. - A woman being dragged up the stairs of an Olympia Drive home told police she was just goofing off with her boyfriend.
[must be some weird sort of reindeer games]

SUNDAY, DEC. 14
* 4:35 a.m. - Police determined a man banging on the door to a Puffton Village home was just at the wrong location.
[like public urination, this sort of confusion occurs regularly in Amherst--and mainly early in the morning; any connection?]

MONDAY, DEC. 15

* 11:25 p.m. - Police determined people throwing food on cars at a College Street parking lot were determined to be members of a college lacrosse team goofing off.
[Presumably, they first feared it was the debate team cutting loose again.]

Bad Karma:

CITIZEN ASSISTANCE
MONDAY, DEC. 22

* 9:21 a.m. - A North Amherst woman reported getting a letter from a former tenant who wrote that karma would pay her back for what she had done to him. She refused to obtain a restraining order and told police she would be leaving the country for about two months.

DISTURBANCES

* 10:49 p.m. - Police determined a woman screaming at Aspen Chase Apartments was just having difficulties with the holidays.

[For insights into bad karma and trouble with holidays, I refer you to an old favorite and a new posting.]

Stylistic slippage:

Scott has kept up heroically with the flood of incidents, major and minor. Perhaps it was the stress of the holiday pace (or just bad karma) that prompted him to relapse into his awkward old locution. What it lacks in logic, it makes up for in unintended humor:

TUESDAY, DEC. 23
NOISE COMPLAINTS

* 11:38 p.m. - Loud music playing at Mill Hollow Apartments was quiet when police got there.

My guess would be bad karma rather than stress, because we find disturbing oscillations in the pattern way back in the October 3 issue:

NOISE COMPLAINTS

Right:

SUNDAY, SEPT. 14
* 12:25 a.m. - A dog barking on Wildflower Drive was quiet when police got there.
* 2:47 a.m. - People talking loudly on Edgehill Place were quiet when police got there.

MONDAY, SEPT. 15
* 1:17 a.m. - A loud guitar was reported playing at a West Street home, but all was quiet when police got there.

Wrong:

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17
* 1:45 a.m. - Screeching tires and loud voices on Fearing Street were quiet when police got there.
* 5:09 p.m. - Loud music playing at Southpoint Apartments was quiet when police got there.

And, in a class by itself:
WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17
* 2:07 a.m. - A baby crying at a Grantwood Drive home was later determined to be the sound of a family cat that got into a fight with another cat. The baby checked out OK.
[so, a baby=a sound?]

That's why we call it surreal Amherst.

"Best Hanukkah Moments with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert"

Just to wrap up the so-called holiday season:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Best Hanukkah Moments

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video