Gunshots not quiet, but not located, either, or: Amherst still strange.

All of a sudden, this month, everything seems to be missing, and I'm not referring to the several reports of larceny, petty or other. Rather, it seems to be an almost metaphysical thing.  The Amherst Bulletin is full of little gems.

Following up on various reports, police failed to locate: garbage, gunshots, car accidents, and even a stream of water (see below). It's obviously a tough job. (They found the naked guy, though.)

It sounds like a case (or cases) for Mulder and Scully, but most likely, it is just a case of linguistic awkwardness masquerading as linguistic caution.

I am not alone in having poked fun, over the years, at the stylistic and logical quirks of the Police Blotter (see some classic older entries). For me, the epitome of this style was the tag line, "gunshots were quiet when police got there." Gunshots, of course, cannot be quiet (unless you're using a silencer). What our intrepid journalist meant was that, by the time police arrived at the scene at which gunshots had been reported, the firing had stopped. Of course, it would take more space to say that or more time to think of a better but likewise concise phrase. QED.

Having recognized his mistake, our intrepid journalist has in the meantime adopted a new locution, intended to indicate not that the phenomenon itself had changed in nature (those sneaky gunshots growing quiet as the cops approach), but instead, that the phenomenon had ceased or that police failed to find evidence corroborating the report.

It still sounds pretty awkward. I mean, it is not the sound of a motor vehicle accident that police failed to locate; it is the accident that the purported sound signaled.

But hell, give the guy points for trying.

* * *

Wednesday, Aug. 8
SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY
* 2 a.m. - A man peeping into the windows at the Friends of Hospice facility on North Pleasant Street was determined to be a brother of a person living there. He was advised to call ahead when visiting after hours.

Thursday, Aug. 9
SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY
* 4:16 p.m. - Debris in the middle of West Street near the Notch was not located by police.
* 11:14 p.m. - Gun shots in the area of Pulpit Hill Road were not located by police.

Friday, Aug. 10
SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY
* 8 a.m. - Police received a report from UMass police of a naked man walking through the streets. The man was found and transported to the UMass police station where he was picked up by his grandmother.

Sunday, Aug. 12
SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY
* 12:58 a.m. - The sound of motor vehicle accident in an Amherst street was not located by police.
* 1:46 a.m. - A stream of water coming from a building on South East Street was not located by police.

Monday, Aug. 13
SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY
* 10:03 a.m. - Police received a report from a woman who said she received a utility bill that indicated someone might have been living in her home while she was away. Police are investigating.

August 31
* Ralph W. Reed, 43, who provided an address as the streets of Amherst, was arrested Aug. 23 at 3:16 p.m. on the Town Common on a charge of violating the town's open container bylaw after he was found dancing on the common while holding a cup filled with beer, police said.