Bad Santas

I have appreciated, over the years, various forms of strange Santa humor--though it was hard to tell what was more problematic about the film, "Bad Santa": the disturbing nastiness of the protagonist or the disturbingly uplifting ending and message that the creators felt compelled to include. That tension was a sign of social and cultural uncertainty. Do you want to provoke (offend) or gratify (pander)?. Alas, the latter prevails where money and conventional taste rule.

It's better just to decide: either/or. As P.G. Wodehouse has Bertie Wooster explain, "you can do one of two things: Be a dictator; or design ladies underwear. One or the other, not both."

At any rate, from the New York Times, reports that naughty Santas will assault the city:

COSTUMED PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS
Very Bad Santas
By MELENA RYZIK
Friday, December 12, 2008

Santa hits New York tomorrow. Or rather, hundreds of Santas do, all attired in traditional red suits and white beards, carrying the nontraditional MetroCard and occasional hip flask. It’s Santacon, when hordes of St. Nicks ride subways instead of reindeer, down pastrami and booze instead of cookies and milk, and create holly jolly mayhem in holiday stomping grounds like Central Park, Times Square and strip clubs. Check santacon.com for updates, or follow the trail of ho-ho-hos. (read the full article)

The tradition goes back almost a decade and a half, as this report from four years ago explains:

No Saints in Sight as These Santas Get Their Jollies
By ALAN FEUER
Published: December 12, 2004

Santa broke out the sour mash at 10 a.m. Christmas was coming. Why not have a drink?

He raised his glass to another Santa, who was sucking back some Colt 45.

"Pace yourself," the second Santa said. "I started with beer this year, not Jim Beam like last year."

Santa got drunk yesterday. He cursed. He smoked. He took off his clothes in public. It was Santacon, an annual gathering of nasty Santas, in which some 500 naughty Clauses marched through the city, shouting, drinking, raising gentle mayhem.

Santacon began 10 years ago in San Francisco, where 30 friends, disheartened by the happiness of Christmas, got together in their Santa suits and set out to have some fun. They crashed a dinner dance and stole people's drinks. Went to a strip club. Drank themselves silly. Some made it home. Others slept in the streets.

This year, Santacon was - or will be - celebrated from New York to Tokyo and places in between. Its schedule and history can be found online at www.santarchy.com. (read the full article)

Alas, there will be no official santarchy or santacon events in Amherst. But then, do we need them? Our town is already surreal.  No great items in this week's Bulletin, so I will dive into the archive for a few historical pearls (compiled, as always, by the indefatigable Scott Merzbach) from the November 7 issue that I didn't include because I was preoccupied with election news:

AMHERST POLICE:

* A black bear in North Amherst neighborhoods caused problems on the night of Oct. 31 during the peak time for trick-or-treating.

At 6:38 p.m., police took a report that a bear was on the porch at a High Point Drive home and taking candy that was left for trick-or-treaters. The bear then got inside the garage, where it began eating bird seed. When police got there, the bear was leaving the area and was observed to have candy protruding from its mouth.

The woman who lives at the home was advised to close her garage door, bring the remaining candy inside and turn off the lights to discourage children from coming to her home, just in case the bear returned.

Nearly an hour later, the same bear was observed on Juniper Lane, where it got inside a screen porch and began damaging the structure. Police used pepper spray balls to get the bear to move along into the woods.

WEDNESDAY, OCT. 15
SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY

* 12:09 a.m. and 1:14 a.m. - Two people urinating outside a downtown restaurant and at the Town Common were issued warnings and advised to use bathrooms.

* 1:08 a.m. - A woman on Amity Street told police a man got onto the porch at the home and attempted to steal a bicycle. Police determined the man lived at the location and there was just a misunderstanding that led to the call.

Others from the print edition of the same date, but not the online edition:

SUNDAY, OCT. 19
DISTURBANCES

* 1:16 a.m. Men chest-bumping each other on East Pleasant St. checked out OK.

VANDALISM
* 10:53 a.m. A lit candle was thrown at the entrance to the Harp, possibly in a break-in attempt. No entrance was gained and the only damage to the door was some wax stuck to it.

[NOTE: This is our premier--hell, only--Irish pub, and as such, a sacred place. And: the owner is a historian. What more could you want?]

FRIDAY, OCT. 24
NOISE COMPLAINTS

* 11:50 p.m. Loud car stereos on Belchertown Road were gone when police got there.

[Note: This is--depending on one's point of view--either an improvement on or a regrettable decline from Scott's classic style of yore, epitomized by the classic announcement that gunshots were silent when police arrived at the scene. Still, there is still some room for comfortingly confusing ambiguity: Did someone turn down the volume on the car stereos? Did the cars with the car stereos in them disappear? Or were the stereos perhaps stolen from the cars? This is why the realm of the imagination is such a pleasant place in which to wander.]

SUNDAY, OCT. 26
SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY

* 2:11 a.m. A man who yelled obscenities at a police cruiser and made obscene gestures on Sunset Avenue checked out OK.

[Does this mean it's okay to do those things? or was it just that he turned out to be a run-of-the-mill chest-bumper {see above}?].