Coulda been a lot worse?

"Without their help this project would be much, much worse"

--from the acknowledgments in one of our students' senior theses

It was in fact quite good (to start with, as well), and this modest portrayal of self and expression of gratitude toward teachers is actually one of the nicest compliments.

Billionaires and Students: How to Succeed in Life

During an appearance before the Commonwealth Club in San Francisco, oil man T. Boone Pickens recounted how he floundered in college at Oklahoma State, and what his father told him to set him straight:

"'Son,' he said . . . 'your mother and I don't think you're on the same plan we are for graduation,' and I had to agree . . . . He said, 'Let me just give you a little advice.' He said, 'Son,' he said, 'A fool with a plan can beat a genius with no plan, and what we're afraid of, is, your mother and I are afraid of, that we have a son that's a fool with no plan.'"

Amherst: Your Tax Dollars at Work

So, here's what happened.

We get our local census form in March, as always, just before the spring election, so that we can ensure we are on the voter rolls. Recording household pets is optional. On the back, there is also a form on which one can fill out an application for a dog license, which must be renewed each spring. One can send a stamped, self-addressed envelope and have the license mailed, or one can pick up the license in person.

Last year, I dropped off the form and paid the license fee right away at Town Hall, but was told that the license--which is required by April 1 and whose purchase is enforced after May 31--was not ready yet. I came back for it a few weeks later.

So, this year, when the form arrived, I sent in the fee and figured that I would save myself the postage and save the clerks the trouble of doing a mailing by instead stopping by Town Hall (where I often have to go on business anyway) to get the license later when it was finally ready.

Evidently, the Town bureaucrats had a better idea. Writing me via first-class mail--which cost the Town and the taxpayers 42 cents--they informed me that I had neglected to provide them with a self-addressed envelope bearing stamps worth 84 cents.


We are in the midst of a budget crisis. You do the math and contemplate the logic. Any questions?

Easter Greetings

My friend Kathy always sends out fine Easter greetings, including this classic, which has won plaudits from my acquaintances even in the northeasternmost reaches of the former East Germany.

She posted this and more on the Easter entry of her new blog, which otherwise focuses on quirks of language.

I Think I'll Open a Feudal Restaurant

Student confusion regarding concepts and spelling is common and should generally be treated with a certain amount of charity, but some errors are just classics, the more so when they come in pairs:

"these terms of identity were the synthesis of modernity--pre-dating notions of identity as a surf, as a burger, as a communal member"

I'm thinking of opening a theme restaurant on the feudal era (or, as students sometimes call it: "the futile era"). "Surf and burger" would be perfect for the luncheon and pub menu: I imagine something like a lobster roll and quarter-pounder combo. (I'm not sure I want to think about the "communal member.")

MATZA BALL RAP

Holiday silliness. Passover greetings.

Good News About Hampshire College: We're neither filthy nor suicidal

From the consultants' presentation on our facilities situation and needs:

According to the standards of the Association of Physical Plant Administrators(APPA), our campus is not beautiful and spotless, like that of wealthier neighbors, such as Amherst, and yet it is not dirty and dilapidated, either. Rather, in the professional parlance, the condition of our facilities is characterized by:

"moderate dinginess."

Summary of our situation, with high demands and limited capital:

"You all haven't lost hope. Oh, that didn't come out quite right."

Kafka Airport World's Most Alienating

As we wait for deposits to come in from candidates for our study trip to Prague and Kraków this spring and hope that it is a "go," we need to start thinking about travel arrangements. Fortunately, I can assure the students that the actual airport in Prague is rather more user-friendly than the one depicted here:

Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

Can't vouch for that Dostoevsky Hotel, though.

Handy Evaluative Language

First in an occasional series of handy phrases to employ in student evaluations. Some are blunt, some are subtle. Some can serve a further educational purpose by requiring the reader to demonstrate a proper knowledge of grammar and sentence structure.

She wanted to pass the course badly--and she succeeded.

What, Me Study?!

Jaded woman at Amherst College to equally motivated fellow students:

"I can't take school seriously."

Upon seeing me approach:

"I guess I shouldn't be saying that."

Suppressing the urge to draw upon my arsenal of blonde jokes, I merely replied:

"Hey, that's okay, I don't work here."

Not exactly the kind of thing they want US News and World Report to hear.

Department of Irony: all-expense-paid trip to learn why you are unjustly privileged!

From the Hampshire College internal announcement service:

Posted on Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 by Pesha Rose Wasserstrom

White Privilege Conference

The 10th annual White Privilege Conference is being held this year in Memphis, TN, the weekend of April 3-5.

The school has allotted funding for 10-15 people, for registration, transportation, and hotel! Registration ends this wednesday, . . .

You can register at http://www.uccs.edu/~wpc/regdown.htm, but please let me know if you want the school funding!

. . .The funding is available to anyone who would like to attend this great conference!

[Note: the link in the original text is not active, but one can read all about the White Privilege Conference here.]

So, let's see. Funding for anyone: no qualifications, no demonstration of need. That sounds like a nice privilege. And at the Hilton, no less. Looks pretty nice.

Nice indeed. Putting together the information on the conference and hotel web sites, we find:

• New in 2008 Flat-Screen Televisions, 36-inch in our Standard rooms and 42-inch in our Executive Level rooms
• Wireless high-speed Internet access available in all 405 rooms ...
• Serenity Bed Collection® featuring the Hilton Suite Dreams Mattress & Box Springs by Serta®
• Bath amenities featuring the La Source line from Crabtree & Evelyn®
• Hilton's signature MP3-capable alarm clock radio
• Two dual-line phones with data ports and voicemail
• Coffee maker with complimentary coffee & tea
• Iron & ironing board
• Hairdryer
• Wake-up service
• Individual digital climate control
• Electronic door locks
• Complimentary newspaper delivered each
weekday morning
• Express video check-out
• Remote control television
• In-room movies and video games

So this is what privilege is all about!

Naturally, this suggests all kinds of possibilities. I'm already imagining a nice consciousness-raising conference on the evils of conspicuous consumption. And one on the social and environmental selfishness of the gourmet cook. Maybe the vintage wine connoisseur, too.

By the way, a minor note of warning: That "complimentary newspaper delivered each weekday morning" is actually the classic scam, as the Hilton's own website reveals but does not quite tell you. Hotels "give" you USA Today, but (1) they don't tell you that it goes on your bill--you need explicitly to indicate that you do not want this "service." (2) It's a gimmick that allows McPaper to claim ridiculously inflated "circulation" figures.

Just one of those fun facts to know and tell from the world of book history and publishing.

Now this is actually a very good example of how one kind of privilege proliferates, as two large corporations team up to boost their profits and con the consumer, who is either too prosperous, too embarrassed, or just too ignorant to worry about that extra $ .75 per day on the bill.

See how that works?

Drill Team for Retired Guys

The approach of spring already brings thoughts of summer, which in turns summons up memories of my parents' generation in the old neighborhood:

Pay for Pee? (You Pay for Everything One Way or Another)

News last month that budget airline Ryanair was contemplating charging passengers for use of toilets both sparked cries of outrage and stimulated the creative juices of satirists.

Mind you, the CEO was merely contemplating the change, but for anyone who has actually flown on that carrier, the prospect seemed all too likely. Given the airline's stringent limits on weight of baggage and personal items, I felt, as I was packing my luggage some years ago, that I had been thrust back into my more youthful days as a backpacker when, as the late Colin Fletcher explained in his now-classic Complete Walker, fanatics felt moved to snip the labels off their tea bags in an obsessive quest to reduce carrying weight.

The really sad thing is that this is all part of the cynical shell game that we play in modern capitalist society, the more so, as economic crisis looms: We constantly disguise the real costs of things, and who notices? We have an unjust and in some ways inefficient health care system, but we don't realize that part of the expense arises from our unwillingness to tackle real across-the-board reform. The University of Massachusetts notoriously promises (or is required) to limit tuition increases, which it then makes up for by charging increased "fees" for everything else imaginable. The tuna can, which some years ago dropped from 6 and a half to 6 and one-eighth ounces, recently plummeted to 5 (do people ever read weights on packages, or are they just focusing on the "sale" price?). And of course, the biggest shell game in the country is the conservative obsession with "taxes." There is a legitimate debate to be had about size of government and extent of taxation, but it won't be an honest one until we confront the fact that we pay for the things we need one way or another, through the front door or the back, progressively or regressively. Our taxes are kept low, but we pay increased health care costs out of our private funds. Our roads and other infrastructure fall apart--but we pay for the flat tire or busted axle, or we finance highways and public transportation in part through regressive and often regionally and socially unfair taxes and charges. Just look at what is happening in Massachusetts, as residents are being asked to pay an increased gas tax that will primarily fund the eastern turnpike, the whopping debt for Boston's corrupt and mismanaged "Big Dig," and the Boston Metropolitan Transit Authority. Western Mass. residents--who have been getting the shaft since the days of Shays's Rebellion-- are understandably outraged. Charging more for tolls and transit tickets to the Boston-area residents who actually use the structures and services in question would be the most logical and fair solution, but no one wants to face up to market value and fight that fight, so we hide the cost by spreading it around in inequitable ways. To raise the income tax would be equitable and might result in a more equitable distribution of goods, but there's an ideological bias against that. Because most people, educated or otherwise, can't handle quantitative reasoning--we all lose.

And what of the future of and on Ryanair? As always, satire, like science fiction, has the best answer. A friend forwarded this prediction:

Which is ultimately scarier: the prospect that we might one day need to pay to pee--gives new meaning to that economic phrase, "pay as you go"--or that, because most of us can't count, we don't even know what we're really paying for?

It's not just a radical point. Capitalist gurus, too, get it. Why can't the rest of us?

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Best little-known film quotes

Some favorite little-known lines from Sergei Eisenstein's film, "Alexander Nevsky" (1938):

Mongol leader, trying to recruit Nevsky: "Join the horde!"

Nevsky to his comrades: "Lay out my princely garb."

Inane Journalistic Observation of the Day: March 13

From an NPR report on the use of the military to combat gang crime in Juarez, Mexico: The speaker on the audio introduction intones with great solemnity and self-righteous sarcasm:

"some say the military has been fighting violence with violence"

Gee, d'ya think?!

The reflexive and obligatory condemnation of all violence is of course just plain silly, but that's not what is saddest.

It is a shame. The point, of course, was that the government was not just using force, but using torture, and thus violating principles of justice in its supposed quest for justice. But if the professionals who get paid to write this stuff can't be bothered to choose the words of their stories with an ounce of care, how do they expect us to care about the content--or even get the message? We, like the victims, deserve to be treated better than that.

Overheard on campus: the harder they come

• Longitudinal studies of student life and satisfaction:

complaint:  "orientation for new students isn't focused on academic work [2000, 2001]"

• Foreign student describing orientation experience, fall 2008:

I was very surprised that they talked about condoms all the time, all week.

That's One Way to Get to Grad School

22-Year-Old Sells Virginity Online -- and Feds Can't Do a Thing to Stop Her
Thursday, January 15, 2009
By Joseph Abrams
Fox News

Excerpts:

A 22-year-old woman is selling her virginity online — offering her body to bidders nationwide in an auction that reportedly has netted a $3.7 million offer — and the law isn't doing a thing to stop her.

The FBI isn't interested. The U.S. attorney doesn't care. Everything is fine by local police, and she isn't breaking any laws.

That's because Natalie Dylan, a made-up name for a real 22-year-old California college grad, is marketing her maidenhead in Nevada, where prostitution is legal.

But some religious legal groups are objecting to the sexual sale, saying they are concerned that its influence may reach beyond the borders of the "Battle Born" bordello state.

and (my favorites):

The Moonlite Bunny Ranch, the brothel that is arranging and hosting the deal, sounded especially gung-ho about Dylan.

"Natalie is a virgin and would like to sell this priceless and rare commodity in a very exclusive and private setting," says the Bunny Ranch Web site.

While the commodity's rarity may be debatable, more than 10,000 bidders have come forth to put a price tag on Dylan's purity. And if the Bunny Ranch's owner is to be believed, someone has offered $3.7 million, a price far above rubies.

"One time only she will appear at the bunny ranch and give up her virginity to the highest bidder," says the brothel's Web site in a needlessly repetitive statement. Dylan says she is trying to finance graduate studies for her sister and herself.  (full story)

Hints to Natalie:

1) If you're a talented student, the graduate school should be paying YOU to attend--not vice versa. 

2) Nonetheless, the experience may prepare you well for what will follow, should your application be accepted.

Winter Stupidity: It Happens Every Year

I Triple-Dog Dare You: Indiana Boy Gets Tongue Stuck on Light Pole

HAMMOND, Ind. — In a scene straight out of the movie "A Christmas Story," a 10-year-old Hammond boy got his tongue stuck to a metal light pole.

Police say the unidentified fourth-grader was able to tell them that a friend dared him to lick the pole Wednesday night. Temperatures in Hammond were around 10 degrees at the time.

By the time an ambulance arrived, the boy was able to yank his tongue off the frozen pole.

Police say ambulance personnel explained to the boy's mother how to care for his bleeding tongue.

The 1983 movie is set in a fictional city based on Hammond, the hometown of author Jean Shepherd.

Obama Dithers on Dog Choice

While Congress and the President-elect spend their time discussing economic stimulus plans and other trivia, crucial matters, such as the choice of the White House dog,  go unaddressed:

“I’m frustrated with the Obamas, just get a dog already,” said Daisy Okas, a spokesperson for the American Kennel Club, who said she has heard from many angry dog owners in recent days over how the Obama’s have been handling what has become, to them at least, a politically charged issue.

This weekend, we learned that the choice had been narrowed to the Labradoodle and the Portuguese Water Dog, but

This seemed to conflict with the president-elect’s earlier statement that they hoped to rescue a dog from a shelter since, as many dog owners have pointed out in recent days, Labradoodles and especially Portuguese Water Dogs rarely are seen in shelters, especially puppies.
. . . . . . . . .
If nothing else, the ongoing presidential pooch pursuit has been a boon to animal rescue advocates, who said the Obamas’ desire to adopt from a shelter has been great for awareness - whether or not the Obamas actually wind up going the rescue route. “Our numbers sky-rocketed the week they announced that,” said Paula Fasseas, of Pets Are Worth Saving (“PAWS”), an animal welfare organization in Chicago.

Even so, Mr. Obama’s public remarks about the dog have been exasperating to some. “He just keeps making statements that are incompatible,” said Ms. Okas, of the American Kennel Club.

The Obama’s “seem to be exhibiting the classic behavior of first time dog owners,” added Ms. Line, who called the process “ a little bit confusing.”

(full article)

Welcome to Washington.  If he can come out of this one without offending everyone, maybe he really can solve our problems.

Amherst 250th: Say What You Mean

Thanks, Pb!

I'm sure that the people organizing Amherst's 250th Anniversary celebrations were just so excited to win a major gift that they forgot to proofread:

As a historian of the book--and someone who from time to time has to read linguistically and conceptually challenged student papers--I am of course fascinated by the difference between oral and written language. More attention to stylistic felicity might have avoided this embarrassment.

Anyway. . .

Please be more careful next time.